Lately, I have been feeling disappointed by a lot of people. (Yes, I’m writing about feelings. Hold on, it gets better) I keep finding myself saying this person, and that person is flakey. I’ve never been great with expressing my emotions, especially disappointment. I was raised to just busy myself with something else and keep quiet.
I remember back in college breaking up with my ex-boyfriend, of 4 years, and talking to my Dad. His advice to me, “just go back to the library and focus on your studies!” Oh Asian parents.
Well, as I was listening to a Christian radio station, I heard an amazing reminder. The preacher asked “how should we start every prayer?” He reminded me that each prayer should start with forgiveness. That we start each prayer with forgiveness of another, so we can also be forgiven by God. I thought to myself, I pray all the time, but I can’t even remember the last time I started a prayer with forgiveness.
Immediately, it struck me! I grabbed the first piece of paper I could find (tissue paper) and a pink crayon. I started writing a list with the first and last name of everyone the that I had felt disappointed by or some type of resentment. Next to each name I wrote a little reason why. When I finished, I took a moment to reflect, I knew there had to be something similar, something connecting with the “reason why.”
Reflecting, I remembered two post I recently saw on Instagram. Yep, Instagram! The first one, “When you discover your self-worth you will lose interest in anyone who doesn’t see it.” The second one is a bit long, “Don’t ever feel bad for making a decision about your own life that upsets other people. You are not responsible for their happiness. You’re responsible for your own happiness. Anyone who wants you to live in misery for their happiness should not be in your life to begin with.” The second is kind of harsh.
These quotes and the “reasons why” started turning wheels in my head. I realized I honestly, truly, and genuinely care about most people, more than others. Taking this revelation, I cried out to God in prayer, this time starting with forgiveness. It was a long conversation, but when I was done I felt peace in my heart.
I am who I am, and with every fiber of my being I will always genuinely care about people, probably more than most. That’s okay. I can breathe easy. I can’t change others just like I can’t change the way I care, but I am okay that. So I took the list I wrote, tore it in pieces, and threw it away.
It’s crazy, or in better terms, amazing how God’s wonders work when you have faith. The next day one of my best friends post this “keep calm, life is hard, but God is Good” link that had biblical references that affirmed the revelations from the day before.
“For I know the thoughts that I think over you, says The Lord, thoughts of peace, not of affliction, so that I may give you patience and and an end” -Jeremiah 29.11